You will never know what this meant to me.

I wanted nothing more than to say goodbye in person. With humanity and respect for all that we had.

I just notice the change now and I accept it. Was there a change or did I fool myself from right from the start?

I’m going to have to admit to some things if I ever want to heal. You broke me, made me weak and took my self worth. I allowed it all to happen because from the beginning I never really loved myself enough to be in love with someone else. I will be better off moving on from you because in the end, all you are is just another lesson for me. If you were the one, life wouldn’t have sent you to me when I wasn’t ready.

I put everything I had into that hug.

Your messages were not enough because you didn’t say anything to explain this big change in the way you spoke to me (in the little you said) in your attitude towards me, why you became so aggressive and why you cut off all communication so abruptly. I didn’t ask for anything other than to exchange the things we had of each other and to say a final goodbye from close to you, like two people who until a few days ago shared their time, their company, feelings, a bed, ideas, goals , dreams and plans for the future. It wasn’t manipulative. I never wanted to manipulate you, trick you or take advantage of you. Love you. I only wanted the best for you from the day I met you.

The worst part is that the more you hurt me, the more I wanted you to be the one to heal me. The more you pushed me away, the harder I fought to be closer to you. The more you showed me your true colours , the more I denied them, convincing myself that I could somehow make us work. And eventually that’s all it became. Work. It became less about love and more about proving something to myself. Reluctant to accept the painful truth that my heart had chosen the wrong person, again.

Emotionally crippled little girls. This one’s for you.

Emotionally crippled little girls. This one’s for you. You have come in, taken, stolen and abused to validate to yourself and everyone around you a sense of worth and achievement. Your existence is blank, your essence is false and you have achieved nothing. Mistreating people and then avoiding communication is not love. It’s not even good manners, let alone a form of deep connection with the person you supposedly cared about and shared some things with. Even if those things were not that many or did not mean that much to you.

Fuck this. One last conversation that I thought I needed to have with you. I’ve had too many of those already and nothing changed. It’ll just be another opportunity for you to feed me more bullshit that a part of me might have wanted to hear. Enough. I will stop willingly wasting my time.

Being on the back burner, being on standby for whenever you feel like it or have time, is not how I want this relationship to be. You shouldn’t have to clarify that you want to see me? No you shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have to keep asking to see you though either. If you wanted you would have. If you do you will. I’ve always made myself available to you and I have said and showed you this repeatedly. You dictate when we see each other and have left me no choice over the matter so you shouldn’t be complaining that you haven’t seen or touched me since Sunday or that you miss me. You have decided this. It’s called prioritising. If we meet once or twice over the week and mainly just text throughout it is because you have decided this. No I do not want us to be together or talk all the time but you have made this decision. There’s obviously a difference on how much each of us want this.

Whoever gives nothing, has nothing. The greatest misfortune is not to be unloved, but not to love.

Albert Camus

There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defence or reserve.

William Burroughs

Have you ever loved somebody too much?
Killed ’em with kindness
Crushed ’em with your touch
Have you ever held somebody too close?
Took ’em like a drug
Then you overdose

Cave In

It is that we are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love.

Sigmund Freud

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

Oscar Wilde